Boris hasn't been this confused since Father's Day

FAKE PLASTIC NEWS

Boris Johnson spoke in Parliament this week, to confirm his belief that even if he doesn’t have clue, and neither does his dad, that most other people somehow understand his Covid-19 restrictions.

It came only hours after his carefully muddled and confused persona collided perfectly with his muddled and confused grasp of his very own CV restrictions.

Unclear as to whether North East humans should be allowed to mix with other North east humans indoors, a lot of head scratching and mumbling ensued, with a source saying he hadn’t seen Boris this confused since he opened his cards on Father’s Day.

He later issued an apology saying he’d misspoken, very much in the same way as the time he referred to the Turkish President as the Wankerer from Ankara.

Boris, who has almost 83 children from over 200 mothers, has found juggling running the country during Covid, with keeping it in his trousers, increasingly difficult. Asked recently whether a long awaited antidote may soon be found, a Boris spokesman simply replied that maybe the most expedient thing to do was to simply get his nuts chopped off.

With the north east firmly in his sights, Boris feared a backlash solidarity from bête noire, Liverpool. However, he was hugely relieved to later discover Liverpool is in a completely different country near Scotland called the north west, and they can’t complain as he’s locked most Scousers indoors anyway.  

On Radio 4, the business secretary said the rules were quite clear and understanding them wasn’t a game show… in stark contrast to his boss’s private life which is a heady mix of Runaround, Love Island and One born every minute.

It comes as mounting pressure grows on Boris to open up about his relationship with a Russian violinist. Rumours that key aides are desperately trying to develop a suit trouser that features no opening fly, can neither be confirmed nor denied.